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If I could just have one more moment to look you in the eyes again; to hold you in my arms and feel your heart beat just like it used to, just as true as the life you breathed inside of me. If you could just see me now, as an adult, and what I've accomplished so far in my life. If you could face me without holding back tears of pain or sorrow….
I would sob. I would cry until my eyes swell shut. Out of happiness that you returned to see your little girl grow up and graduate high school, and that your years of excruciating anguish were just a nightmare. I would be able to see you smile again… smile at my accomplishments, my path, my future. I would gasp for air myself, just to tell you how much I missed everything about you... my hero.
But, fate is too cruel…
You'll never be able to meet the wonderful man that my heart has bonded with. You'll never get the chance to see me take hold of any diploma… You'll never walk me down the aisle; and keep me from falling down in heels. You'll never see your grandchildren, or their lives…
I'll never be able to sing with you again, talk about time as it came and went, dance in the living room.
Or do really stupid things when mom was away…
I'll never get to drive you anywhere special, like I always dreamed of doing…
All that I have left of you are the fondest memories a daughter could have of her father: memories of pure, caring, unconditional  love and understanding. I cannot thank you enough for your inspiration in my life… I wish I was brave enough to tell you how much you really meant to me;

I never, in all of my life, thought my Daddy would really die…

What will always haunt me, is what I didn't do….
I didn't stay home enough to keep you company when you were really ill… I blamed you for my anger and depression… my inner pain… When you were suffering far worse than I was….
I can never forgive myself for that…

Even now, I come to you…. I talk to you alone, as if praying to your spirit. I sit by the tombstone and talk to you as if you were still there…
Are you proud of who I've become? Do you still think I'm beautiful? Would you still love the older me?
I'm not a little girl anymore…
All of my questions are for you, Daddy… You've left a deep hole in my heart that can never be filled by another person… I need you now more than ever. But, like a misleading God, my voice goes unanswered on your grave, and my cries echo into nothing…

Nothing should be my reality; Death is permanent…
But I'm still stuck behind the past, clutching to your last breath…

Please, save me. Your blood runs though my veins… I need your guidance. I'm losing grip on who I am. Remind me of what you saw in me…

I don't want to cry anymore…

Daddy by Immer-Frei

/ / / ©2012-2015 Immer-Frei
I honestly don't even know.
I had another really depressing rut about my late father... But, this made me feel a bit better.
I'm still not looking forward to the years to come, though...
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crshh Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012
Immer-Frei Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
LifeIsZealous Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I partly know how you feel. I lost my father as a baby. :tears:
But it's important to stay strong and I am happy for you that you are healing. :happycry::glomp:
Immer-Frei Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I'm sorry for your loss... Thank you. :heart:
Beastlygrrl Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I envy the relationship you and your father had, and still have in spirit. :huggle:
Immer-Frei Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
It's still quite a strong bond. :huggle:
Kymira12 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I could barely finish reading this as the tears were clouding my eyes. My dad is one of the most important people in my life and I couldn't imagine ever losing him..

Thank you for sharing something as personal and powerful as this :hug:
Immer-Frei Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I still can't really believe he's really gone, and it's been 3 years...
Thank you. :heart:
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Submitted on
June 3, 2012
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